Head down in meetings doing the “inconspicuous” thumb scroll. Sitting in Starbucks laughing hysterically without benefit of a conversational partner. Stuck in stupid mode at a green light just because the last couple of words of that status or tweet that couldn’t wait. I actually read an article that 1 in 5 women prefer Facebook to sex. Are you kidding me? I don’t even prefer eating to sex. Put me in an episode of Survivorman where I have to forage for berries, eat bugs and drink my own urine, I could do that. Put me on an episode of Survivor for $1,000,000 where there are only dudes for 90 days, stick a fork in me about 85 minutes into that episode. Even though I don’t understand it, I can’t help but acknowledge that social media has a mysterious addictive quality to it that slowly saps away minutes of your life before you know it, particularly for women. I can’t tell you how many times my wife has asked me about a mutual friend’s status that I completely missed because….it was of no interest to me whatsoever. There are only so many pictures of food, kids or nature I can pretend to be interested in. As a matter of fact, I only post pictures of my own 4 children when it meets one of the 3 a’s of posting criteria, a noteworthy achievement, athletics, or to shame their ashyness. I have NEVER posted a picture of my meal and typed “Yummy”. I have never instagrammed a pic of a Colorado sunset with the caption “Wow”. If anything, I find myself missing most of the photo opportunities because I DON’T HAVE MY PHONE READY. How am I going to hold a phone at a meal when one hand has a fork and the other has some Frank’s Hot Sauce?
The funny thing is I think there is a portion of our entire society that misses stuff going on in their whole lives because they are so worried about stuff going on their “friends'” lives.
“Oh my God, did you see that Suzie got married in Cancun!?”
“Did you see you just stepped in dog *&^%?”
“Have you seen Kurt and Trina’s pictures from Paris? I really want to go there one day soon.”
“It will be hard to travel to Europe when one of us is no longer receiving income. Weren’t you supposed to be at work 15 minutes ago? “
If anyone ever wants to do a Facebook intervention. Please invite me so I can record.
“We are only doing this because we love you!”
“I don’t have a problem!”
“Sweetheart, you forgot your phone when we went to Puerto Rico and you made us fly home to get it.”
“That’s because I wanted everyone to feel like they were with us.”
“But you drove back to the airport without me and the kids!”
“That’s because I was instagramming picture of the honeybun I bought at 7-11 on the way back. That’s an honest mistake.”
“What about when you recorded over the season Finale of Dexter before I could watch it?”
“Uhhhh, hello. They had a special episode of the Doctors about how Facebook can slowly destroy a marriage.”
“You tweet during sex!”
“I’m still paying attention”
Everyone is worried about the zombie apocalypse but we are living in the zombie apocalypse. The thing is you are looking for mindless masses with blank eyes searching out brains to consume. We are already there. Our zombies carry around iPhones and Galaxys III’s wandering aimlessly in search of a status to like. Welcome to the night of the living Faceheads.